


did you ever love him (do you know?)

by petemikey



Series: criminal minds [2]
Category: Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pining, Self Harm, Various mental disorders, attempted suicide, prescription pill problem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-02
Updated: 2015-02-02
Packaged: 2018-03-08 18:22:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3218822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/petemikey/pseuds/petemikey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They were Romeo and Juliet; a tragic love story doomed from the start.</p><p>~</p><p>(It's recommended but not completely necessary that you read the first four chapters of <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/3087977/chapters/6877247">Lie To Me</a> before reading this.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	did you ever love him (do you know?)

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, it's here! I'd like to thank [alecsmanwhore](http://archiveofourown.org/users/alecsmanwhore/pseuds/alecsmanwhore) and [just_another_shipper](http://archiveofourown.org/users/just_another_shipper/pseuds/just_another_shipper) because without them then this wouldn't exist. Also, a giant 'Fuck you' to Kerrang! Radio for making me cry even more whilst writing this, by playing 'Helena', 'Sing', and 'Drugstore Perfume'.

When Mikey first meets Pete, he's seventeen and doing drugs. He's not like, _selling_ them, and he kind of blames his brother, but he's completely sure that they help. 

Pete agrees with him.

They meet on a back alley behind their shitty high school in New Jersey, skipping some shitty ass lesson that's not going to make a difference to any of their lives. Pete's already planning on committing suicide by the time he turns twenty _"At a minimum, Mikey Way."_. Mikey wants to make sure that doesn't happen.

He's not unacquainted with suicide, and depression so bad it leaves you wanting more than to just die. His brother spends half of his time getting intoxicated in hopes that he'll just materialize off the face of the Earth, and the other half of his time is spent festering in his basement, barely getting enough food (and sunlight.) so as to not pass off as a fucking vampire. Mikey kind of just runs with it; it's not like he's not fucked up himself. He refuses to see a shrink, and the pills he steals off Gerard seem to work well enough most of the time, and it's not like his brother notices. (Or even care, should he find out.)

Mikey learns that Pete is 18, and a Senior; one year older than himself. They spend most of their first meeting just talking about whatever Pete Wentz' messed up, bipolar mind comes to think of. _"But Mikey, this country is so fucked up. God, this **world** is so fucked up. You can't tell me you don't care."_ Mikey doesn't really see the need to care about world isssues. He's never going to impact the world in a positive way, so why bother?

They go back into the school building after Mikey bums a few smokes off Pete, (Those are the one thing Gerard refuses to give him, on the basis that they're too expensive, and he can't sleep around to get them like he can with drugs.) and they decide that they'll meet at the same place after school. Mikey goes back to his lessons thinking of the small odd guy with eyeliner and pretentious views on the law and society, and he doesn't think anything of it.

•••

He knew he was being too hopeful. After waiting for ten minutes behind the art block, Mikey realises that he should probably leave; Pete's not coming, and was never going to.

"Mikeyway!"

Mikey turns around and gives a small smile to himself. Pete's running over, his backpack straps so low that his bag is hanging down by his ass. His eyeliner's smudged around one eye, too. Kind of reminds Mikey of himself.

"Hey Pete." Mikey smiles. (Although it's so small it's more of quirk of the lips.) Pete's pleased with it though, because he comes over and gives Mikey a sloppy kiss on the cheek.

"I don't know if we're on that level yet, but I thought I'd do it anyway, to see your face." Pete tells him afterwards. Mikey isn't sure if they're on that level yet either, but he just shrugs and lets Pete drag him to his car.

"You don't talk much, do you Mikes? I know you're like, already practically in my car, but I'm just going to this record store across town. it's really rad, and my friend Andy works there. Andy Hurley? If you know him?" Mikey doesn't know him as to say, but he's heard about him from Ray.

"I don't, but yeah sure, I'll go. You can't turn down an offer to go to a record store. Especially with a free ride." That's where any other normal person would add _'And a cute guy.'_ , but Mikey isn't exactly a normal person. Or he doesn't fit in the typical 'normal person' description.

It turns out Ray's not on shift at the record store when Mikey and Pete get there, but it's not like it particularly bothers Mikey. He think's that maybe this is kind of like a 'friends hanging out slash date, but more friends hanging out' type of thing, and that he should really be sticking with Pete as they walk around and look at records and CDs, but in the corner there's this tucked away shelf with loads of stuff by the Smiths and Mikey _runs_ to it. As soon as Pete realises where Mikey's running to, he fucking snorts, because of course, tall skinny guy with the glasses who's brother is the local stoner likes fucking Morrissey.

They leave without buying anything, and Pete drives Mikey home _'"I'm a fuckin' gentleman, Mikeyway."'_ and they promise they'll find each other the next day. Mikey doesn't bother telling Gerard about the cute guy he met who has a weird taste in music but likes Metallica, so all is well.

Pete ends up calling him (Mikey doesn't know how he got his number) at three in the morning, and tells him everything. Pete tells him about how he never sleeps, and about the days and weeks when he would rather shoot himself than open his eyes, because _he can't face the world_. Mikey takes it all, and then some. 

"Can I come over Mikes?" Pete whispers through the phone. Mikey looks at the clock, _3:54_.

"Sure, Pete." Mikey answers and hangs up, leaving Pete to take up his offer. He places his phone on his bedside table and lays on his bed.

10 minutes later, Mikey hears the tinny sound of stones hitting glass and walks over to his window where Pete's grinning and throwing up stones. _'This isn't fucking Romeo and Juliet.'_ Mikey thinks as he opens his bedroom door. Except that's what they are. A tragic love story doomed from the start. He creeps down the stairs hoping that Gerard's not having a late night snack and then opens the front door. He can barely see anything.

"Get inside, fucker." Mikey whisper-shouts to him. Pete runs over and Mikey takes his shoulders and pushes him towards his room. Mikey shuts the door behind them, the street lights lighting the room dimly.

"Motherfucker you're cold." Pete whispers as Mikey slides into his bed next to him.

"Shut the fuck up." Mikey tells him as he curls up into a ball and goes back to sleep. 

It's the first time Pete's slept in days.

•••

The rest of the year goes similarly. Pete and Mikey start going out a month later, and more often than not, Pete turns up at Mikey's in the middle of the nght and they go to sleep curled around each other.

Then Mikey gets diagnosed with depression and anxiety. It doesn't change anything, other than now there's two destructive minds instead of one. Sometimes they talk about romanticizing suicide, when they're both fucked up on pills and love.

One thing they don't talk about though, is the end of the year. Pete's graduating and Mikey's stuck in fucking New Jersey with a mom who's never there and a brother who's always there but never _there._

"Please don't leave me, Pete." Mikey whispers to him one night in March. They're sitting on top of Mikey's roof and looking at the stars as if they're in a John Green novel. Perhaps they'll turn into one of his shitty love stories that always in heartbreak. Perhaps they already are one.

"I can't promise anything, Mikeyway." Pete tells him for the fiftieth time, but it's not _good enough_. Mikey wants proof, not some fucked up metaphor when they're both on Atavan.

Gerard's starting to get better now, as well. He smells less of alcohol and he's doing art again. It seems like the better Gerard gets, the worse Mikey is. Like the world keeps spinning but he stays still.

His therapist says _"It's just your mind.",_ but everything is _'Just his mind.'._ Does she think it's his dick's fault he's got depression?

Mikey loves his brother, but he can't talk to Gerard about this, not yet. It's too hard, and nothing bad has even happened yet.

It's the middle of May when Pete tells him.

"Mikey, I'm leaving." Pete says and Mikey just stops because that can't be true.  
He must have heard him wrong or something, 'cause Pete _can't leave._

"What?" Mikey asks him. How the _fuck_ is he going to live without Pete. He hasn't even finished high school yet. This wasn't part of their plan.

"In August I'm going to Arizona for six months, and then moving to New York. I'm training to be a field agent for the FBI. I've already been accepted." Pete announces, and Mikey runs. He runs so fast he's not sure if he's crying because of the wind or because of what just happened. Mikey's limbs are aching but he keeps going because _he needs to get away._

Eventually he stops and falls onto the sidewalk. He's choking on his tears and he can't fucking see. Mikey's chest is heaving and his head is spinning, but if someone came up to him and started talking to him then the only he'd be able to say would be _'Pete.'_

After ten minutes of frantic sobbing and partial blindness, Mikey manages to stand up. The vertigo almost makes him throw up but he somehow manages to get back home. He still hasn't stopped crying and the closer he gets the more cries.

He unlocks the door with shaking hands and Gerard's on the other side waiting for him. He grabs him and pulls Mikey into a tight hug.

"I'm so sorry Mikes." He murmurs into his hair. Mikey grabs the shirt on Gerard's back and starts sobbing again.

"Gee, he's leaving me. He's not even coming back." Mikey cries. Gerard leads him to the basement to try and calm his brother. 

"He still loves you Mikey." Gerard reassures him, rubbing his back.

"He's _leaving_ me." Mikey tells him again and curls up on the black sheets of Gerard's bed. He's clearly exhausted, and he falls asleep whilst Gerard strokes his hair and tells him everything's going to be okay.

•••

Mikey doesn't talk to Pete for the rest of the week. Pete has to go to Mikey's house and beg him to let him talk to him. Mikey gives in, because they've only got two months left together.

Pete's only got a few weeks until he graduates. When it rolls around, Mikey doesn't go. He's had five or six, maybe seven Xanax, and he's still too scared. It's just one of those days where he's too scared to leave the house from the anxiety. Being in a room with hundreds of people makes Mikey want to throw up. Instead, he lies on his bed not quite motivated enough to grab a blade from his bathroom and watch the blood run down his arms.

Pete comes to his house a few hours later and pushes Mikey's door open only to see him fast asleep with a cut on his left arm going from his shoulder to his wrist. Pete looks down sadly at his boyfriend, and goes and sits next him on his bed.

"Ger'rd?" Mikey asks groggily. He opens his eyes slowly, and then feels the cut on his arm fucking _burning._

"It's Pete." He tells him softly.

"Fuck, I'm so sorry I wasn't there. I just. I couldn't." Mikey moves his head so it's on Pete's lap and holds onto his hand. It's starting to get dark outside, and Iggy Pop can be heard blaring out from Gerard's room and Mikey smiles a little. Him and his brother are a lot closer nowadays.

"Don't worry Mikeyway. It was pretty shitty anyway. I just wanted to leave and see you." Pete tells him. He smiles at Mikey and then leans down and kisses him softly.

Mikey thinks for a minute that maybe they'll be okay.

•••

Mikey cries again when Pete leaves. So does Pete.

He keeps it together until they get to LaGuardia, but then Mikey looses it. Pete tells him they'll be okay. Mikey never told him his anxiety's gotten worse.

They go to the check-in desk and get pitying looks from the chick checking in Pete's suitcase. She hands him his ticket and they walk over to North Security. Mikey swallows and nudges Pete's shoulder with his head as they touch each other for the last time for six months.

"I love you." Mikey tells him, biting his lip. 

"I love you too. So fucking much Mikey."

They pull apart and Mikey stands there for a few moments watching Pete leave, and then sprints back in silence.

•••

Mikey doesn't put any music on as he drives. The voices in his head are loud enough already. One's telling him how easy it would be to commit suicide. Right now. His life would be over and no one would give a fuck. The other voice isn't even a voice; it's just white noise that's deafening him.

Somehow he manages to get back home without killing himself. As soon as he gets in, Mikey runs to the bathroom and takes a handful of god knows what and runs downstairs to Gerard's room. He pushes the door open and launches himself into his brother's bed and covers himself with the covers. Gerard looks at him worriedly for a few moments, but then carries on drawing, hunched over his desk and colouring a comic draft with his Faber-Castell pens.

Mikey sleeps for 16 hours straight.

Gerard crawls into bed next to him at two am, and then wakes up at 10 and carries on drawing. Mikey wakes up an hour later, at 11. There's a cup of coffee next to him made by Gerard. Mikey's joints and neck are aching from sleeping funnily, and yesterday's jeans are sitting weirdly on his waist. He mutters a _'Thanks.'_ to his brother and then grabs his coffee and goes to his room to sleep in his own bed.

•••

The first month, Mikey realises, is the hardest. He can't go to Pete when his mind is hurting and instead he has to text him, but even then there's the fucking timezones which make sure Mikey never gets an immediate reply.

He mostly stays in Gerard's room now. Their mom hasn't noticed, obviously.

Mikey finds himself going to Gerard when he feels shitty. He still goes to the pills, which work in their own special way, but most of the time he feels like an empty shell. So far he's gathered that Pete's having a great time (without him) and that training is hard. Mikey doesn't care, really. He doesn't care about much nowadays, other than how many pills he's got left and how long they'll last him. He refuses to call himself an addict.

He tells Pete that he's fine, and that school's great, and he's getting better. It's all lies. He's not seen his shrink in months, he's going to fail his finals, and he can _feel_ himself getting worse. The thought of leaving the house gives Mikey nausea, and he doesn't talk in school anymore. Gerard watches his little brother go into self destruct mode knowing fully well there's nothing he can do about it.

The next five months are a continuous cycle of talking to Pete and taking pills. The memories Mikey has of Pete are being replaced by memories of hallucinations, reminding him of who he is now. Mikey doesn't think that he's even a person anymore; just a thing that's taking up space whilst waiting for its death. Pete would be heartbroken if he knew, because Mikey is his everything, even now, when they're hundreds of miles apart.

Mikey thinks that Pete hasn't spared him a thought since they said goodbye at LaGuardia.

••• 

When Mikey gets the call from Pete in the beginning of February saying that he'll be home at five that afternoon, Mikey just says 'Okay' and hangs up. It doesn't really mean anything; he'll probably continue to lay on his bed limply, shoving pills down his throat every time he feels any signs of emotion.

A few hours later there's a knock on the door, and Pete's greeted by Gerard yelling at him for just leaving Mikey. After about ten minutes, Mikey's door opens to a grinning Pete Wentz. Mikey gives him a once over, and that's when Mikey realises that nothing will be the same anymore. Pete's back, almost 20, working for the FBI and considerably more masculine. Then there's Mikey, 18 and burning a hole in the back of his throat from dry swallowing large quantities of Xanax and acetaminophen.

Pete starts to look at Mikey, really look at him, and he realises he's not okay. His limbs are even thinner, his eyes are sunken into his head, and he looks like he hasn't slept in months.

"Oh my god Mikey." Pete whispers and wraps his arms around him. Mikey just lays there, rigid, still not realising that the person hugging him is Pete.

•••

The next few months are marginally better. Mikey's grades improve very slightly, and he starts to see a few reasons to keep on living. He can call Pete now, instead of just texting him, and they see each other every other weekend now too.

Mikey's anxiety is going downhill, and he's still taking pills, but at least he can bare to feel emotion. It's about the time he starts loving Pete again.

•••

Pete goes to his graduation. As does Gerard, and their mom. Honestly, Mikey's surprised they're _letting_ him graduate; it's not like he's been a good student this year. He goes through the ceremony feeling like he's in a lucid dream. Pete drags him away afterwards, and Gerard looks at them wishing for his brother to start fucking living again.

"You're free, Mikeyway." Pete reminds him. Mikey snorts and his head falls onto Pete's lap. They're sitting on the grass behind the setting sun.

"Free? Nothing's going to change now that I'm done with High School, Pete." Mikey tells his boyfriend. He's not expecting his answer.

"Move in with me, Mikes? Please?" Pete's eyes are looking at him pleadingly, and Mikey thinks he actually stops breathing.

"What? Oh my God, yes holyshit when? I'll get a job I promise." The veil that's been covering Mikey's eyes for the past year feels like it's been lifted and Mikey's suddenly brave enough to _feel_ again. Mikey always feels brave when he's with Pete.

"We can leave tomorrow, if you want." Pete tells him and Mikey laughs probably for the first time in months and pulls Pete up so they can run to where the cars are parked. Mikey kisses him and tells Pete to pick him up at two tomorrow. Then he runs away before Pete can be a good boyfriend and drive him home.

"I'm leaving!" Mikey yells when he gets inside.

"So am I." Gerard announces, coming up the basement stairs.

They pack up their shit together.

•••

Living in the city is hard, Mikey realises. People in New York judge you, and that's something Mikey finds difficult to adjust to. Pete anchors him though, and everything seems okay. He's had to sort out Gerard a few times - he's training to be a psychosomething, Mikey doesn't remember, and apparently it's harder than expected.

His pill problem's getting slightly better, too, and Mikey thinks that maybe there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Sure, Pete sometimes (every few days) has to get Mikey to calm the fuck down, but other than that everything is, well, perfect. They curl up next to each other on the couch and watch shitty movies and Pete strokes whatever part of Mikey's head is on his lap.

Except this is Mikey's life, which means that everything has to go to shit.

Pete was fine. Mikey _knew_ he was fine, because Mikey knew what Pete was like when he wasn't. Except afterwards, Mikey realises that the signs were right there the whole time.

He somehow never realises the bloodstained tissues in the bathroom. Or, the empty bottles of anti-depressants or the constant tiredness in his eyes. Mikey knows this isn't the best time, but it's eating him alive from the inside out. He's been in love with Pete for four years and he decides that it's about time to go to a fucking jewellers and buy a ring.

He doesn't tell anyone his plan. Not even Gerard, and Mikey tells his brother everything. He comes home after work with the little box in his pocket, ready to ask Pete to spend the rest of his life with him.

He walks through the front door and goes to their bedroom, so he can surprise Pete instead of shouting for him like he usually does. Except Pete's laying lifelessly on the bed, surrounded by pill bottles with a note clenched inside his fist. Mikey falls to the floor and gets his phone and calls 911. An ambulance arrives ten minutes later and Mikey stuffs Pete's note into his pocket.

When they arrive at the hospital, Mikey gets told that he can't stay with Pete, so he sits outside his room and refuses to read his suicide note. When they tell him they're going to pump Pete's stomach, Mikey runs out and calls Gerard, begging him to come. They sit outside Pete's room in silence, drinking shitty waiting room coffee and waiting for news.

Gerard has to leave at two am, Mikey stays out and ends up falling asleep on the shiny linoleum. He wakes up unable to move his neck, and there's a bruise on his leg from where he's fallen asleep on top of the small box in his pocket. At seven the next morning, some nurse comes to tell him he can see Pete. Dazed, he looks up at her and runs into his room, so fucking thankful that he's alive.

When Mikey walks in, Pete's staring at the wall. He's got an IV and drips pierced into him, and the only emotion on his face is anger.

"Get out." Pete growls at him from his hospital bed. Mikey looks at him with some kind of emotion on his face that can't even described.

"I, what? Pete, what have I done?" Mikey asks him. There's no way that any of this could be Mikey's fault. He hasn't even _done_ anything.

"I can't deal with you anymore Mikey, I just can't. I can't fucking support you, and your anxiety and depression and what ever the fuck else when I've still got all my skeletons in the closet. I can't deal with you spending all of your energy on Gerard, and I can't fucking deal with all the strain you're putting on me. I'm sorry, but we're over Mikey." Pete tells him, and what sounds the worst is that it's so fucking _rehearsed_ , like Pete's been planning this.

Mikey throws the box that was in his pocket onto the bed, running out of the hospital and loosing his on the sidewalk. This is the second time in 12 hours that he's been destroyed by Pete, and the last time Mikey'll have his heart broken by him.

The hospital is by Brooklyn Bridge, and Mikey realises he can end everything right now. He's got nothing to live for anymore, and no one would care. Mikey runs outside and prepares himself for the end. If he overthinks this then Mikey knows he's not going to do it. He stares down at the river, and thinks about the past year. It feels like he's doing a mindsweep or some shit, preparing his mind for death or something.

Just as he's about to jump, someone drags Mikey away from the bridge. He spins around quickly, He doesn't know who it was, and he doesn't know if he's fucking angry or glad, either.

Mikey isn't sure of a lot of things, as he runs away from the place where he just attempted suicide, other than that Pete's gone forever and he's more lost than he's ever been in his life.

Mikey can feel himself falling into the abyss again.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I hope that made you as sad as it made me.


End file.
